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| Fuck. You know when you have one of those days that's like amazing. And you get so excited. You're super happy. Everything seems like its going your way. Then you lie in your bed at night just thinking about everything good that happened that day. All those images and clips passing through your mind like some sort of movie. And its not even like its just plain "fun." Sure you had fun but it was also reasonably productive too. You got a lot of work donem, maybe you aced a test. It was just "a good day" altogether. And for that one moment you feel accomplished, satisfied, and encouraged. But wait! Then all of a sudden another thought seems to cross your mind. "Will tomorrow be as good as today was?" And if you're like me....you start weighing out a bunch of possibilities in your sick twiiiisted mind. "So if today was really good...maybe tomorrow will be really BAD!...Or wait? No, that's silly. Im sure tomorrow will be good too. Okay maybe not as good as today was, but still GOOD." And then the restlessness, the slight worry that passes through you, the slight "downer", the slight possibility that things could go wrong just goes away. Because you start going back to your original mood, thinking happy thoughts, staying positive and what not. And then before you know it the next day is here...and it feels LONG. It seems to go on forever. And suddenly you realize...that what was a slight possibility last night....is now a reality. And over night, the little negative thoughts in your head have turned into....a bad day. Not just a bad day either! One of those super fucking CRAPPY days. The ones where you get up in the morning with that feeling in your stomach....you know...THAT feeling. The one that feels like "Oh well, today should be great. I have ____, ____, AND ____ to look forward to!" but at the same time you KNOW already that things are not going to go as wonderfully as you may have planned.
And school starts. Its boring. It's EARLY and you can't stop asking yourself in your mind "when's lunch?" or "why the hell am I even here?" The classroom feels like the worst. You have that one quiz or that test. And the teacher places that white sheet of paper on your desk and smiles at you. Smiles? Why are you smiling? It feels like some of them were put on this earth just to kick back and watch you suffer, and not just that. but ENJOY it too. You flip over the test. Nothing looks familiar. And the first thing that pops into your mind is "Oh fuck." You don't know anything! Maybe you didn't even know you'd be taking it. That sucks. Or maybe you did know it was today but in all your "exitement" yesterday, you just didn't study for it. That sucks. But you know what's seriously the WORST thing ever? When you knew about it. You did the homework. You studied for it. You even swallowed your pride and asked for help. And yet, there it is. A few sheets of paper...smiling in front of you with that same evil smile....and you don't even know how to start number 1. That fucking sucks.
Finally its lunch time. You've been waiting for it all day. You're not even really that hungry. But the rest of your day has been so bad, that it doesnt't even matter. But you come to your "spot," since it seems like different locations at your high school are almost like "branded" with your name on it and an imaginary brick wall surrounding it. Some of your friends are gone. No idea where. A couple other friends are around but theyre studying or something. Maybe a few others are actually there but they're having just as crappy of a day as you are. And sure there's always that other group of friends you could go sit with, right? Oh, but you know theyre kind of your "back up" as awful as that sounds. And well...its been a while since you've talked to them. And what if they act weird around you? What if its too awkward? And you decide, forget it. I'll just stay here. So lunch was pretty much a failure too. And whats worse is you see everyone else around you doing fine. Laughing, hanging out, no failed tests to worry about, no new tests to cram for, nothing to DO. And there they are without a care in the world. And here YOU are. Everything that could go wrong...kind of already has. And theres one more period left in the day. Maybe it'll be better....yeah nix that. You have a test in that class too. Well you studied right? Right. so it can't be THAT bad, right? Wrong.
So all in all your whole day sucked. But hey its just one day, right? yeahhh, but its kind of hard to see the big picture when you feel as crappy as you do. Sure its just one day but right now it feels like the whole world just swallowed you and spit you back out. You feel like someone up there writing the script of your life just decided "Hey why not make ____'s life seriously SUCK today...just for kicks!" You feel like a failure...like a bird just crapped on your favorite shirt or a fat guy just sat on you.You feel like theres no point in being alive. You could've gone without today ever happening. And you go home thinking you can just relax. Go up to your room, throw a few things, slam the door a couple of times "by accident" of course. But no, you can't do that either because you have homework to come home to along with chores. Oh and plus your parents wont stop yelling at you. Or talking to you about your "future" or pounding you for your grades. Your brother wont stop playing fucking halo on xbox live. And you hear him screaming, laughing, shouting, getting angry in front of this little tv screen. And you wonder, why the fuck is he so into it? Its not real. None of it matters. It's not actually happening and the people he's talking to over the headset are just as pathetic as he is. Clearly with nothing else to do. No other purpose in life.
And you kinda just wanna stab yourself....repetitively.
Maybe tomorrow will be better....heh. | | |
| Sooo, it's friday! The first week of school is over. It hardly felt like a day or two, though. I have to admit, I've never been so happy to be back at school. I missed it so much! I missed my friends, some teachers, classes, even homework feels pretty damn good right now. hahaha Anything beats sitting around at home with nothing to do. But GOSH did I miss my friends. It totally sucked not being able to see them as much. IT seems like nothing's changed and yet at the same time Its like nothing is the same at all. Man, I know junior year is a bitch, but if everything goes as good as it did this week [hahaha yeah RIGHT] then I totally wont mind.
Things I can tell already:
1. Calculus is gonna screw me the hell over.
2. English is not going to come as easy to me as it has these past two years
3. APUSH will be an amazing experience even though it's gonna be ridiculously hard.
4. Physics might be alright if I stay on top of my game from day 1.
5. My friends and I are already extreeemely close after all the adventures last year, but this year is gonna be even better.
Our latin class is fucking HUGE this year. It feels like theres 35 ish people! I don't know how many there actually are. But its huge. I missed aaron and canyon so much in that class! Even the first day back, I laughed so hard I cried. Calculus AND choir with nicole which is AWESOME. i love her to death, and we're gonna get so close this year. OH OH OH ANDDD THREE CLASSES WITH VU! yaaay! I'm super excited. kyle, kyle, and michelle and i have been having a great time already. Haven't seen as much of andrew lately though :( I miss him quite a bit. He seems rather busy. Oh but I now refer to him as Sexy McHotpants.HAHA Saw David today after God knows how long. I miss him SOOO much and we have no classes this year. I'm SO bummed. I love him to death! and I never see him anymore. I hope we still find a way to hang out. Jacob stalks me seventh period now. Its kind of a daily thing. ahhaha. Brian and Brandon have been doing good too. I missed them like crazy. We run into each other alot. Brandons gonna help me with physics and Brians in my Bible class.
whoaa. lots of updates in a little paragraph ahah. so yeah. bottom line: First week was amazing. Hope the rest of the year is just as great. | | |
| My gosh! It feels like high school only just started! It feels like not even that long ago I was coming home from school in my challenger uniform chatting it up on AIM or Myspace. It feels like just last month I was crying at the graduation dance because I would miss everyone so much. It feels like just a week ago I was crying on the last day of school because I couldn't stand the thought of being away from the only friends I'd ever known. It feels like just yesterday I couldn't sleep at night because I would lie awake wondering whether or not I could ever be happy again. Wondering if my life could ever be the same. Wondering if things would work out. Wondering whether or not I could EVER get used to this new school.
Fast forward...here I am two years later, happier with my school life than I ever could have imagined. So comfortable, so adjusted...better than ever before! Here I am blessed with such fantastic friends who love me for who I am. Here I am laughing on the phone till God knows how late, hanging out at Starbucks, catching movies, laughing myself to tears with amazing, positive people who actually care about me and appreciate me. And it's such a great feeling to be loved. Its such a great feeling to be accepted and be part of friendships that really mean something. Sophomore year has been a blast. All the jokes, the tears, the memories, the laughs, the friendships, even the mistakes. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
But at the same time, I can't help but remember all the horror stories I've heard about junior year. The late nights, the crazy assignments, the hectic schedules, the overwhelming work load. It seems like a nightmare! And I sit there trying to convince myself..."it can't be THAT bad....can it??" Every year I sit myself down and and say "No more fun and games, this year I'm gonna be perfect! Straight A's, no goofing off, no screwing around, I'm gonna get serious." And honestly, I've never been a BAD student! but if any time is the time to keep that promise to myself I know that it's now. Pressure's on. I'm nervous about getting into college. Most nights its all I can think about. But I can tell my parents are more nervous than I am. That explains all the recent yelling, screaming, fighting, all these family disasters I've been having with my parents. I realize NOW that all that anxiety they've been storing up, they release it as anger.
Never in my life had I thought about moving out before 18. But in June, things got so bad I seriously considered it. I know its because they care but they drive me crazy. I know theyre scared that I'm going to end up a failure. They're scared that all that their hard earned money is going to go down the drain. They're scared that I'm going to let them down. Even now, I'm a complete disappointment. I'm nowhere near the person they wanted me to be. And that hurts more than anything else in the world...the idea that I've let them down....and I know I have time and time again. I'm not as smart as they would have liked me to be. I'm not as determined as Daddy wants me to be. I'm not as beautiful as Mum would have liked. I'm not who they imagined their daughter would be like. In their eyes I know I'm a complete failure. But theyre still clinging on to this little bit of hope that MAYBE some day I will make something of myself. And if I let them down one more time, I don't know what will happen.
But all the yelling, the shouting, the fights are killing me. And I've decided that if the only away I can stay away from it all is to stay away from them...that's what I may have to do. Is it possible to have a good social life AND a good academic life? Is it? I've never been able to balance the two. When one is going well the other slips...always. So what do I do. I guess my new idea is to merge them...bring them together. I don't care how stupid I sound. How nerdy I may seem, but I'm going to push my friends to study with me. I'm sure it would help me...the few times we've done it, it has worked! It's worked for all of us. It's taken me my whole life to realize that I need to be around people who bring out the best in me. I need to be around friends that like me for me, who encourage me, who support me, who motivate me to do well in life. And I do need a serious motivation right now for school. I know if we work together, we can do well. Late nights? fine, we'll spend them together and keep each other awake. Hectic schedules? Fine, we'll plan ahead and help each other stay organized. Heavy work load? Fine, we can break things up and teach each other. And in the worst case scenario, if it doesn't work out, we'll just go back to how things were and maybe just spend a little less time together.
It could work...couldn't it? | | |
| You always tease me about sounding sappy...if you read this, you wouldn't be able to stop laughing. I think about you more nowadays. You're nearly always on my mind. You're the face I close my eyes and see when I'm stressed out. Something about it relaxes me. It's strange. It hasn't even been very long and...I don't know I guess I'm confused. You seem like you always know what to do...but at the same time you're just as confused as I am. You seem like you're always there to talk...but at the same time, I know you have trouble opening up. You seem like you have it all together, but I know theres times that you're about to fall apart. It seems like I can spend forever and a days talking with you and laughing with you...but even then, there are some really quiet times. In any case, no matter how much you seem to contradict yourself, no matter how much you change, no matter how many ups and downs you go through. I know that you have a heart of gold and I know I can always count on you. Just in this short time that I've gotten to know you, you turned my life up side down. You make me want to sing all the time. There's always a bounce in my step when we're about to meet. When you brush past me, my heart stops. When you're around, this weird nervous excitement just flows through my veins. I get butterflies and I can't help but smile. When you call, I go crazy. All these thoughts rush through my head but it makes me excited. I've listened to your one voicemail at least ten times.
But I don't like you. Weird right? I thought so too. But why not? You're everything I could have possibly EVER dreamed of in a guy and in a friend. So what's going on? You're perfect. You've never hurt me the way he did. You've never put me down the way he did. You've never pressured me the way he did. You've never raised your voice with me, never failed to be a gentleman, never failed to comfort me, never ever kicked me when I was down. You're one of the only guys in my life I can trust this way. So why DON'T I like you?
food for thought?
xoxoxo
always yours,
tasha | | |
| hmmm. this last month or so has been completely insane. i feel like so much has happened...and not happened. its been crazy. its been stressful. just...gah. so to sum it all up my relationship with my parents is, day by day, going down hill. stuff like this has happened before but i've just swallowed my pride, set aside my differences, and apologized to them even when I hadn't done anything wrong. this time, I can't seem to find the strength to do all that. I've never thought it was fair that parents just don't apologize...or maybe its just my parents..who knows? But I guess I'm tired of always being at blame and by me not apologizing [which is the way I think it should be if I didn't do anything wrong] I guess I'm making things worse.
and sure they're my folks, they can say whatever they want to me, but I can't take it when they accuse me of doing things I didn't do. It kills me when they think that I don't work hard enough, when the truth is...I have NEVER tried this hard in my whole life. All the effort I put in, the all-nighters I pulled, all the really fun plans I cancelled...it means nothing to them?? After all that they have the nerve to tell me that I've been goofing off and screwing around way too much with my friends...What the hell? Just because I have a social life [could be better if I wasn't so absorbed with school] they think I'm not applying myself? It's things like that that make me want to pack my things and get out of here now.
Bottom Line: Basically I'm grounded till I'm 18 but I've stayed quiet for sixteen years about things I felt strongly about. I'm not going to let them do this to me.
Whatever, screw that. Anyways, I noticed I haven't hung out with any friends from CBA in the longest time. and Now its summer, but everyone's probably busy or traveling or whatever. and starting June 16 I will be busy too. In class 7 days a week 3-5 hours a day. ugh this sucks. I've been longing for summer for the longest time, and now that its here I haven't been able to spend it the way I wanted to. And with all the crash courses starting the 16th, it's going to be near impossible to do ANYTHING.
I really wanted to spend time with my friends this summer since I'm here and not in India as usual. All of them, not just Valley but CBA too. I don't know, maybe I can still make it happen. And every second I'm stuck here at home fighting with my dad is driving me closer and closer to the edge. | | |
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